I ate Jaffa cakes and pondered
I wish I could go back to analog. Instead I bought a mini mic with the insane idea to put myself on social media, because apparently this is one of the main ways to show up and let people know that you exist.
I don’t know if I like that. Ha! I would say I absolutely despise the idea of it, especially nowadays when AI blatantly steals every little piece of you and sells it back to people who think they’re omnipotent and entitled to do anything as they please.
There are so many things I would like to talk about in this entry, but the chaos in my head doesn’t want me to organise the thoughts in a simple way. One thing is certain: I’m tired. And from what I’m seeing online, I can tell you are tired too.
On work
It took me quite a bit to admit that I feel lost. Well, here I am today, officially admitting it. Most of my creative colleagues feel that way too, and it’s very daunting to watch the world spinning in the wrong direction, day by day, without the possibility of going back to the way it was.
Every day I wake up to the ongoing battle in my head: should I leave creative industry or should I persist?
See, I’m trying my luck at freelancing while juggling the “proper job” hunt at the same time. By “proper job” I still mean remaining in my industry, but being officially employed by a company or agency. This second option feels more stable, but at the same time it isn’t.
We all know how jobs are nowadays… One day you have one, but if the CEO wakes up one day on the wrong foot or with a tummy ache, you’re fired under the pretence that company doesn’t have budget anymore - while pushing the exact same amount of money towards AI tokens, or just making themselves richer and fatter.
And don’t even get me started on job offers, unhinged companies and their requirements that look like a Christmas grocery list for the family of 12, laughable salaries, blatant ghost/fake job postings, and so on and so forth. It’s a wild west out there and honestly, I never thought I’d grow up, become an adult and feel like I’m doomed and meant to die under a bridge because the job market is in a such miserable and crazy state right now. Thank you, Mr. Capitalism.
So what the fuck should we all do?
I’m munching a raspberry Jaffa cake and thinking. I don’t know if I have the right answer to this, and certainly I’m no one to tell you what to do if you’re in a similar situation to mine.
One thing I keep pondering, though, is the choice between standing for whatever you believe in (your values, desires, plans for the future, etc) versus surrendering to the greatest evil, because in the end you need a stable income to be able to live (which, if you think about it on its own, is a fucking surreal concept to even fathom).
I’m grabbing another Jaffa cake and thinking. Maybe I lean onto persisting one last time.
On personal life & well-being
I’m really happy to say that at least my personal life is going in the right direction. I’m grateful for my lovely partner, my parents and my friends, who I don’t even see that often because we live in different countries. Yeah, I almost officially moved to Germany and on that note I would have many other things to say, but maybe in another entry. One thing is sure: der, die, das are the bane of my existence. If you know, you know.
While dealing with the job turmoil, I often need to remind myself that benzodiazepines aren’t the answer here. Anxiety is a merciless ugly bitch and, unfortunately, I’m one of her oldest and most recurrent victims. One thing I’ve noticed: it gets even worse when I spend too much time on social media. No shocker here because it’s widely known that being chronically online isn’t good for your mental health. In my case it can be broken down in 4 main points:
I compare myself too much to other people
I’m being bombarded by a plethora of information that jumps from war and politics, to a random American girl telling me to bake pumpkin banana bread, to the job crisis, to cute dogs, to dead kids in Palestine, to my fellow designers telling me I should post more on my page… the list goes on, and the polarising effect of each post or reel - often exploding in my face with a dramatic hook or imagery - is too much to handle for my poor millennial brain.
I save many posts and reels as inspirational or as something I want to do (like a recipe or a new habit I’d like to introduce into my routine), but then I just don’t. It’s just wishful thinking and living in an idealised, fictional life that never becomes reality.
It’s a waste of time because I could be doing many cool things and sharing them a few days a week, but I just fucking scroll with the thought of “I’ll do it tomorrow!”, which never happens.
And that last one was exactly the reason why I started my new IG page and then left it behind for the past 2-3 weeks. I wanted to share cool and creative things, create a little community of like-minded people, maybe try to promote myself more to grab a few new clients. Yeah, bummer, I got overwhelmed.
This, and a few more reasons unrelated to social media, made me realise that although I need to move towards my goals, I also need to keep myself sane.
Taking myself on walkies as if I’m a dachshund needing enrichment, reading books (”stealing” my partner’s Kobo was the right move here), enjoying small things such as cute and cheap flowers on my desk, delicious meals or treats… these things are more important than you think. I’m really glad that I’m staying somewhere that has the freaking Schwarzwald next door, so I can finally go out into nature, pull myself out of the online despair and ground myself a bit more outside.
It doesn’t solve my problems or the world’s, but it’s necessary to decompress and make this life a bit more bearable.
New To-Do’s
I hate hate hate planning new routines. Usually it’s something that needs to be born and implemented naturally and gradually into my current routines. No cold turkeys. But I feel like this time I have to take that frozen chick directly into my bare hands and get uncomfortable.
I want things to move, to change, to make me stop wasting my time, and this time I’m going to put my new goals and to-do’s out there, so in a few weeks I can go back to this post and hold myself accountable. I might win, I might fail, who knows. These are my current boxes to check:
Write 1 blog entry every week
Reduce my online activities significantly, especially social media
Opt for online and offline magazines, blogs, and other platforms specifically focused on art & design
Spend at least 1h outside almost every day
Do my thing! Whatever it might be: art, design, studying, building my own business
Practicing that weird woo-woo exotic thing called mindfulness
To wrap up this entry: we’ve been taught that we should always mask and hide our struggles. Well, I want to go against that nonsensical current and be as transparent as I can, because I’m a human, just like you. Admitting to your own failures, struggles, problems, and ditching that polished facade of perfect lives and unbeatable attitudes at work, is very important nowadays, not only to gain more trust (might sound controversial, I know) but also to show other people and your potential clients that, in the end, we are all on the same boat.
Nobody is better than anyone else.
